Saturday, December 5, 2009

Re-Opening a Wond Hurts

So I have been listening to this song like for repeat for like the last hour. This is how I feel. Shame, regret, sorrow. Sometimes these emotions reign in my life and detract me from the Lord. They bring condemnation. I have been in so much pain in the last couple of week it is almost unbearable at time it seems. I am really good at faking a smile and just going through the day. It would be so easy to quit and give up, and give way to selfish desires of flesh. Then of course God in all His majesty shoots an arrow straight into my heart and brings me to my knees. "I DESERVE NOTHING." Peace is not promised at time, happiness either. God did not say this would be a easy life. So I am living with my consequences. Which at times feel like 80lb on my shoulders. Then having to come into work and just push my life aside and get things done. Is it selfish of me not to want to come in? Yes. Does not mean I still do no think this. I am submitting to the process. I just wish it was in another season in my life.

You know what in all of this, i am kind of joyful. At the end of this, I will be stronger and more equipped for what God wants to do in my life. I just need to hold on to that joy, but the string seems so thin I can almost loose it at times. Thus the deep, and emo tweets you have seen. Just be praying for me. If you like to call and just talk that be great to. I just need strong freinds, and bothers and sisters in Christ right now because I have not strength left to go on some days. Thanks so much God, for bring me through this time because I know it is for a purpose. Here are the lyrics to the song.

"Carried to the Table" Leeland

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me
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3 comments:

Recovering Alumni said...

That shame and condemnation you are feeling is pretty common for interns from the Honor Academy...Took me years to get over it

December 9, 2009 at 7:11 PM
sweptaway said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
December 13, 2009 at 6:19 PM
sweptaway said...

Don't blame the Honor Academy for the shame.
Condemnation is not part of the repentance and restoration process ("There is no condemnation in Christ" Romans 8:1) but (to an extent) shame is. It's a consequence of sin and sometimes we need to see and feel that whatever we did was wrong. The thing is not to stay there. There is a time to move on because no matter what, God's Grace is enough to pick us up again. There's nothing we can ever do to make Him stop loving us. The righteous man may fall seven times but he gets up every single one of those times (rough quote of Proverbs 24:16) by the Grace of God and in His strength alone.
I think you're just about there. Don't stop.

December 13, 2009 at 6:21 PM

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