Re-Opening a Wond Hurts

So I have been listening to this song like for repeat for like the last hour. This is how I feel. Shame, regret, sorrow. Sometimes these emotions reign in my life and detract me from the Lord. They bring condemnation. I have been in so much pain in the last couple of week it is almost unbearable at time it seems. I am really good at faking a smile and just going through the day. It would be so easy to quit and give up, and give way to selfish desires of flesh. Then of course God in all His majesty shoots an arrow straight into my heart and brings me to my knees. "I DESERVE NOTHING." Peace is not promised at time, happiness either. God did not say this would be a easy life. So I am living with my consequences. Which at times feel like 80lb on my shoulders. Then having to come into work and just push my life aside and get things done. Is it selfish of me not to want to come in? Yes. Does not mean I still do no think this. I am submitting to the process. I just wish it was in another season in my life.

You know what in all of this, i am kind of joyful. At the end of this, I will be stronger and more equipped for what God wants to do in my life. I just need to hold on to that joy, but the string seems so thin I can almost loose it at times. Thus the deep, and emo tweets you have seen. Just be praying for me. If you like to call and just talk that be great to. I just need strong freinds, and bothers and sisters in Christ right now because I have not strength left to go on some days. Thanks so much God, for bring me through this time because I know it is for a purpose. Here are the lyrics to the song.

"Carried to the Table" Leeland

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

Well now here we are agian...

So just when I think I am fine and ok with life, I thrown a monkey wrench in the whole situation. I have been so dumb and stupid the last couple of days. Stepping out of God's will trying to take what he has for me too soon. Figures I would ruin an almost perfect gift from the Lord! How human we are, just because you are not sinning now. Thank God that he protects you everyday from yourself. How often do we look at someone and say, "I don't sin as much as them." FOOLS! We are so quick to put the mirror of the perfect Christ to other people, but we are so prideful to place it at ourselves. We have no problem judging others when we need to be examining our own hearts. We are here and breathing, but only by grace of God almighty. You know it’s funny As much as I hate falling it to sin it is such a slap in the face that I would be nothing without Christ in my life. He owns all weather I give it to Him or not, He will not take it but he owns it none the same. We are like little children holding on to filth when Christ has a banquet set up for us. Why do we do this, because of the lies, deceptions of the enemy and our own flesh. We lie to ourselves and say thing like "Oh this is just the way I am, I can't stop." So naive we are to the lies of the enemy. So the deal is this I could possibly leave the Honor Academy. That is one of the consequences for what I have done. I, as much as I don’t want it to come, am ready to take this. I just wanted you all to know my heart. Why do we hide who we really are?

Hi, my name is Stephen Meinke. I am a lusting, prideful, sexual-driven, arrogant, boastful human. Well I would be without the grace of God in my life. What lies we say when we can do it all on our own? Wow what a lie this is because without God in my life that is what you are a rotten dirty filthy sinner. Thank the merciful God for the gift on His son so you do not have to be what your flesh is. Make your flesh pay. Die to it every day. Make it be in submission to you. Now I am not say that this will not take effort, No, controlling you flesh with Christ will take every once of strength in your body, and even if you try you WILL fail a part form the Lord's help in your life. So I hope that me being open has caused you to examine your own hearts. What are you compromising on? Are you trying to do it on your own? Do you hide who you really are? Those questions cannot be asked by the author but only by the reader.

My Life to Date…Sort of.

So here is the deal so much has gotten on in the past couple of days…now is a good time to start to process it all First my ministry placement, LOVE. Well there are days that I want to crawl in a corner and make everyone leave me alone! I have so much to do and, not much help to boot. I am really just at the point where it kind of depends on the day…if I like it or not. I am responsible for most if not all Web Marketing. While I like this i really do not have the time to maintain this, AND research new ways to web market. I have been very successful with our Social marketing, but outer than that not much has changed. I would love to see some of my ideas come to life.I just don’t have the time to research them and find ways to implement.Thus comes the frustration.

Second is friends, I have finally begun to build that core group of friends whom I love. They are truly a blessing in my life. You all know who you are =)…Triforce, and T-Team and more. I have found some of the best people you could find on earth! I would list you out, but then I make people jealous. I am really wanting a group to stretch me and grow as a man, and a leader. Third is GI Life. Much different than what I expected. There are two types of GI’s. The ones that scoot on by and really just are here taking space, and really not affect the ministry or other people. Then there are the ones that realize what a GI is about and dive in to self-development and training for the next phase of life. Speaking of next-phase-of life. I am a huge crossing point once again in my own journey.

So I am a Management Associate,I have a ministry placement and help out my manager and grow my interns. I thought I would have no problem with this. Then I saw ATF live at Hamilton and I had tears running down my face as the drama was done on stage by some of my favorite people. I was taken aback by this. I was so moved by them. Then I had this urge to act again…like a cold heart coming back to life…not in the sense that the passion ever die it just was reawakened again. So I say all this to announce officially I will be trying out for MT next year! I am excited to see what the Lord does! I am going to finish the commitment of an MA year, but next year I hope to be on the stage…able to use my talent for the Lord.

Dedication...Got to Have It

So this week my dedication has been tested more than every. I am a part of a drama troop. I am the Director of Shattered Clay. I have not been to bed before 1:00AM just about every night this week. There have been plenty of times where I did not want to go. I was so tired and selfishness can in and make me think of myself. Tried to make me think that I was more important than others. That my feelings was more important than being supportive of my Team. F.y.i. I love my Lead team! Any ways there has been some real gut checks going on. I am so happy that the Lord has put such a passion in my life for the things I am dedicated to. The passion far out weights the pain. Christ is more that enough to sustain me through the day.

Also my ministry placement is teaching me tons! I some time have to go to meetings and schedule thing with Staff members and I am in charge of the meeting! Me, the one person who could not concentrate in school without pills, in charge of a meeting that could affect an entire department for the ministry. So humbling that God has placed this opportunity in my life. There are also multiple responsibilities that I have over me. So many things demanded. My mind is constantly in motion about ideas, concepts, reports and...dedication. I really do not have a supervisor, or someone over me giving me demands and deadline for projects. I could just sit back and get the bare-minimum done. To be honest some days I do. Most of the time though I put my full heart into anything I am tasked with. I have grown so much in the past couple of months that I have been a Graduate Intern.

The lessons I have learned this year have been completely different than last year. There are not the same hardships and scenarios to deal with. I am so excited for the rest of the year and to see what Christ is going to do in me, and through me. Let's get to it! GI's FTW!

For the Nations...

God, is so amazing. This week I am headed off to Dallas for a Global Expeditions trip to touch the fatherless generation. We will be doing V.B.S in Dallas and street ministry. This week God has just broke my heart for the nations. I pray that people area around when we are doing dramas. That they see Jesus and the are able to recognize his Love. The love that conquerors all fear. That Jesus is the only one that can save them. Not drug, sex, alcohol or another substitute. That His name is made great that he is know. That we will touch Christ, and then we will touch the world. We have only one more day down here at TeenMania to train and get ready. I am a Mission Advisor so keep me in your prayers as I have a lot of responsibility. God is going to move in Dallas.

Also a praise. I got in touch with a man in my congregation at church. He wants me to do some design for him on a t-shirt. God is really opening the door of opportunity lately. He has just rocked my world this year. Christ has shattered all my prescriptions on what a true Christian is. What it means to follow. What it means to serve. The Honor Academy has truly set me up for victory in my life. If you are struggling with what to do in life check out www.honoracademy.com. I thanks you all and as I graduate and stay another year I truly miss you all and St.Louis. That will always be home...until I move to Japan! YEA. God has revealed so much about my future down here I am so excited for the next couple of years.

Fork in my Life..

So I am at a really difficult place in my life at this moment. I have made a decision that could affect my future. While at first I was so rack with fear of the consequences that would come from this action, I now realize that whatever happens He is still my God. No matter the outcome He reigns supreme in my life. There will be pain with either decision made, but that is what I deserve. A loving father disciplines those he love. I must be loved a lot. I never have really been able to "get away" with anything in my life. I go into sin and can be in it for a while and then it all comes crashing down around me.

You think I would learn by now, but no I am a stupid human and make mistakes all over again. This time thought I think I am finally realizing how dumb some of my decisions can be and will not allow the Enemy to talk me into making them again. He is so good at lulling me into complacency that I get so comfortable I go back into my old ways. I would rather be in the fires with the Lord than be in the comfort of the world. I literary fell asleep on the job. Like a guard that falls asleep on the job and lets the store get robed so I have fallen asleep and let the enemy rob me of a opportunity. A chance to finish. I will never forget, when I finished E.S.O.A.L. God showed me that I am not a quitter like the world had be telling me I was for so long.

We no matter the outcome I am still loved by Him. Although I am still scared His arms are around me and hold me tight. I love my Lord an all he does in my life. I am just going to live James 1:2-4 out and count this trial as joy and a blessing for a opportunity to grow. So basically I am at a fork in the road and no matter what way I go. Both paths lead to the Lord.

Dear Wife,

So this is a poem I wrote to my future wife:

To the only women
Who has my whole heart
Nothing can keep me apart
To be away from you

Is like having no air
Your eyes are like the starlit night
Your touch like my heartbeat
I cannot survive without it

Your body is like nothing I have ever felt
It like pure love every time we touch
I never wanna stop
When out lips are locked

You lips are like honey
Each kiss is sweeter than the last
You are my world and my princess
And I am you knight to bless

You are my joy
To make you happy
Is what I live for
To hold you in my arms

To shelter you from all harm
I am you protector
Feel safe with me
I will always forever be

In your hand is mine
Your's for life
My beautiful
My wife..

I hope that she gets to read it someday...

My Recent Thoughts

I have just been thinking lately about our lost generation. How sad it is that this is Publish Postall most of them have know. To be spiritually blinded for so long is such a tragedy. It pains me to watch young women defile themselves for the satisfaction they need to have to God! I am so righteously angry at the males who have fallen into this since of "Manhood" the world portrays, big muscles, a jock, an treats women like a car. Use them up till they break down and then go get another. Women and no to be treated like things. Next to God they are the most precious thing in our lives. I go to a website www.stickam.com. It's like my video blog. I get on for like 20-30min a day. Other people have them. There are these girls that have like peep shows and chat rooms that talk about the most discusting things i have ever heard. We need to reach the generation where they are, the internet. I think someone should start a web-based minisrty for teens and young adults that goes out to the internet and witnesses online. That would be so cool. Just a thought. Oh and the reason for the picture...I like it lol.

More to Music

People should be critical thinkers and observe what they put into there heads Christian or not I listen to a lot on "secular" music but I research the band and make sure they are not harmful to my spirit before is pursue there music I hate when people just slap the Christian label on there music and people are like this is a good Christian band just because they have a Christian tittle.

To just take music at face value and not look into what you put into your mind is Cultural Suicide. To just blankly take in lyrics and junk is foolish. I will say that genres of music that are more"Christian" than others. But that does not mean that Christians should be confided to gospel and worship songs only. They should go out into all genres and use the testimony to spread the Gospel. Now I am not saying to not do Praise and Worship music to there just needs to be a balance. There needs to no be an extreme of either praise and worship.

Before someone decides to listen to a band they need to examine what the band is about. What the members of the band believe. Now I am not saying that all secular music is good. There are some bands that I would never even think about listening to. It goes into this mindset. If all music is not unto God then it is evil. Then what do we say about classical music and instrumental.

What is there in the Bible about music? Well there are plenty of the Psalms that deal with making music. What about listing to it. I believe like all other Christian problems we must first turn toward God. Ask Him if he would like to put this sound into His temple. This problem is why I can see the heart around the “Music Rule” here at the Honor Academy.

While some people like myself have learned to control what they listen to there are others that would blindly just put in junk into there soul. So like a speed limit sign is for people who would break the speed limit, the music rule is for those who cannot control themselves or have not thought this through and the consequences to there actions. So why I do not believe I need the rule I will obey it like any other law.

The Blood Weird huh?

So last night we had Wednesdays night Service here on campus. I was a very interesting one at that. Ron Luce talk about what the Gospel is. He want out into the audience and began to ask people what it meant to them. There where many answers. Lots of the answers had many Christianize words in them. Words like Sanctification, Blood of Christ. I mean come on to some one who has no idea about Christ's death talking about the blood covering is kind of strange. I made me realize that when we present the Gospel we need to do it from the porspective that the person has never heard it before. Also that when we save a person they way they came to Christ is how they will see the Christian life. If they got the "Sinner's Prayer" then the have a say it a do it version of the Christian life. We need to becarful of how we save people because the concquences will be eternal.

A Walk to Remember...

January Gauntlet was a time of growth and learning in my life. I have come to embrace time of difficulty and trials while at the Honor Academy. It was another week of lessons and lectures that really spoke to my life.

To hear all those sessions over again. Well I am not going to lie...after EASOL I really did not remember much of my Gauntlet. So when the sessions we taught over again I had a flood of memories come back to me. All those early lessons that I had learned when I first got here all came back to me and kind of kicked me in the face. I was like looking back into a mirror. To listen to the sessions and see if I had grown in areas that where spoken on. There were some where I had grown a lot in others not so much.One of the area I have grown in is the area of discipline and the way I view it. Before the Honor Academy the word discipline always incited picture of harsh punishment and pain. But now my eyes have been opened to the effects it has on my life. I love how it causes me to mature in my walk with the Lord. The corporate worship the amazing life-challenging sessions.Then there was the time of burning up anything thing that is hindering me and my time here at the HA. All these thing that had reminded me of people back home that we causing me to lust and picture that drew back wrong memories. The meeting of the new Januaries that where joining the Core was such an excitement. I was like looking at a snapshot of me when I came I August.

 All those memories of being in a place I did not know where I was. I was all alone. Know one new me and I had no friends at all. I was at a strange place filled with on fire Christians trying to get my life back. I was so mad the first corporate but after a while they got fun. I did not enjoy waking up but the running and exercise was fun. Looking back at the January Gauntlet I was a refreshing experience that I will never forget and look back to in times of troubles and hardships. Over all January Gauntlet was one to remember.

You are Here

So I was just in a weird part in my life...I was neither moving forward or slowing down. I am was  just "here." I kinda felt like a the whole "you are here" syndrome coming on. Last weekend was UPG (Unreached People Group). The whole campus was split into tribes and missionaries. I was made a Missionary. We where given the task of bringing our tribe to Jesus. Easy right? Wrong. We had the staff and Graduate Interns pretending to be this anti-Christian government that did not want the Gospel preached in there country, The Bach Forte. We had to share the Gospel knowing there would be consequences. I was taken to Jail 4 times for sharing my faith. We also had a language barrier. The people playing our tribe made there own language for the weekend. It was fun and such a good learning experiences. We where suppose to sneak into a meeting with the tribe people and Government. At that meeting the government said that Jesus was posion and hurtful. Ater this i became harder on us. But we ended up saving almost the whole tribe. This was deffinatly one of my favorite LTE's so far.

Mountain LTE

The smell of the air, the feeling of gravel under my feet, the cold brisk mountain air on my face. These things and more where some fond memories of my experience at Pike's Peek. The bus ride there was all but comfortable. I sat in my set with my knees jammed into my chin while trying to sleep with cold air blasting on my face. That night, I only got sleep by the grace of God himself. When morning came zombie-like interns limped of the bus. Legs all stiff from awkward sleeping maneuvers in the night.
As we walk of the bus in a drunken-like state we awaited are breakfast for the day. As I alked into the gas station/Burger King my eyes where so blurry I could not make out much but the floor and ceiling. I stumbled my way into the bathroom to splash some water on my face. When I was done I looked into he mirror and could not recognize the person in the refection. My eyes where still squinted,since they where no adjusted to the light. My hair looked like I had been through a wind tunnel. So I ran my fingers through it made it look a little more socially acceptable I joined the party in the Burger King. After we where given our breakfast-in-a-box we where coaxed back on the bus to ride another 4 hours in leg-numbing positions.
When the buses finally arrived at our destination. I looked out the window and saw only deserts for miles and tall mountain peeks way off in the distance. There where cactus all around and sand would get everywhere. We drove up to the camp after being there for like 30min. We arrived and people got out stretching and moaning in pain from the trip before. We set up our sisters tent which was quit an adventure. Then we began to set up ours only to find out it was malfunctioning and had to replace it with a working one.
That night we had hot dogs and s'mores and sang praise and worship song and talked about the Christian life like this mountain climb. That the journey is more in the experience and not in the destination. That is was more about climbing and how we did it more than just getting there. I saw some of the most beautiful scenery I had ever seem in my life. Our Core was fast so we where able to hike around the South Rim and see into Mexico. That was such an amazing sight. It was as if God cut the side of to make a pseudo window for us to look upon His creation. That is when I realized a revelation. That although God did created the earth for us human beings to enjoy it was first created for Himself. How amazing that the God of the Universe would share His creation, Earth, with us! The whole experience is one I will never forget. From the climbing to the top and looking on for miles. To the pain I felt when it was all over. The Mountain LTE was just that a life transforming event.

The Ring...

So I have come to one of those points again. I getting even harder and harder to wake up. The days seem to drag along like a barely hitched trailer and I am just along for the ride. Ever felt like you where surrounded with people that you will never be like? That is how I felt last night a little. Then realized that none of these people deserved what they where going to put on there finger. I was like salvation, it was a free gift that we could never own. Each time that I look at it I do not get some huge ego boost because I have it. I am humbled that I even get the privileged to touch it. Not that I am worshiping the ring I am honored to be apart of what it stands for. To become part of the rank that is striving to live an honorable lifestyle. Now I am not saying those who wear the ring never mess up or fall on there face. They realized that failure is a part of life. That only with the power of Christ could we ever conceivably hold to the standards of honor, integrity, discipline, and leadership. So when I put the ring on I will be committing to not only a lifestyle of honor but to get back up off my face when I fall. To always trust the Lord no matter what life comes. This internship is not for quitters. Not for people who will never mess up or fall on their face. It is for people who want to really become a true Christian and follow Christ with EVERYTHING. Not just a little here and there, but all they have. The more you let God use the less Satan has to pull you back to yourself. The more you become self-less the more you grow in godliness. So I guess I am preaching to myself again. To not give up that it is getting even harder. To look back at all God has brought me thought. To worship at the alter of past conquered sins and circumstances. Don;t give up this is just the beginning. The battle is daily...the War is eterna

HA life

Life at the HA is hard. Now I know that is cliché and whatever but I am going to give some probably explanations on why. I knew it was going to be tough but, it has gotten to the point of ridiculousness. I have been just pounded on by Satan left and right much more that if I would have gone to a public college I think. At public college Satan total control. No saying that he rules but he is the Prince of this World. I know that God rules everything but there is a difference between Godly rules, like HA, and Earthly rule, like Secular College. I am pushed every day to make the best out of it and to strive toward excellence. They do that a Secular college but there hardly anyone rises to the challenge because it involves work and a lot of it. We are held to a standard that most and some people do, think is legalistic and to demanding. That is so wrong I don’t even need to start listing the reasons why. For one God is a holy and perfect God. Why then should we not strive and run toward character like out Creator? Why do people want to just settle for less? Those people that the HA standards and principles and too hard and legalistic and outrageous have obviously bought into the worldviews of this Generation that are all about compromise and tolerance. Well for one people have twisted the meaning of tolerance over these last couple generations to mean something in the complete opposite of the original meaning. If you where tolerant back when the word meant what is should have then you respected difference of opinions and religions but you did not accept them as your own. Now a day’s tolerance means more like this and this is a radical example. “I say that Ronald McDonald is the Christ and that Jesus was just am man.” Now to be tolerant to this we would have to hold that claims with as much respect and truth as to Jesus is the Messiah! That is the generation that we live in. That is why I am at Teen Mania’s Honor Academy. I want to be an Elite Warrior. I sign up for this extra training and choose to come here on my own. That is why I never understand why people are complaning about all they have to do. I think we let out flesh dictate our actions and then wonder why we chose that action. When we get saved our flesh does not. Do we take this body up to heaven and worship God with it? NO. We are given a new body thus we must fight with our flesh daily while here on earth. So even thought this is hard and we might even cry ourselves to sleep one night because we are just to worn out. If people want to make it the whole year they have to ask every day “Why I am here, what is so hard, and can God help.” So even thought I am going thought some really tough times and test I know that God is bigger than It all continue to pray